Learning to negotiate is a skill that does take time – and you are here to help teach it to your child. Help them feel like their needs and wants are important, and that you are willing to work with them to figure something out – instead of engaging in a power struggle just to stop it.

1. Get clear about what you want – “I get a headache when your music is loud.”
2. State your intent – “I want to work this out so we can both get what we want. I get grumpy around loud music and I don’t want to act that way.”
3. Let your child/teen say what they want to say – thoughts, feelings, what they want.
4. Brainstorm solutions – write down all possible solutions. Be goofy, funny, silly! No rejects!
5. Cross off anything either of you are unwilling to do. Let your child/teen go first – then parent.
6. Agree on one or a combination of solutions. Try the solution for an agreed period of time. If it’s not working, brainstorm for a new solution.

Now of course, brainstorming for a win-win solution might not always be the solution. And sometimes some kids can get pretty stuck in “this is what I want to do, in this way, and that’s the only solution” – parents can get this way too. But the more you can show as a parent that you can give a little, and really honor and uphold the agreement when the child gives a little – it will feel fair, and your child will feel heard.

One thing I would warn against – don’t brainstorm if you’re not going to be willing to compromise as the parent, if you’re not going to stick to the agreement, or if after the brainstorming you still are going to enforce a consequence or your desire (i.e. just stop ‘it’ or you’ll go to your room) – it’ll feel like it’s not fair to your child, they’ll feel you don’t listen, you don’t care, and what’s the point. I get this often from the teens I work with who feel so much frustration and feel their parents are just “faking” when they “pretend to be nice” and compromise, but then just lay down the law anyways.

Again, negotiating with your child/teen is something that can take time – like a dance, learning the step of how to go back and forth between each other – so don’t beat yourself up if you fall a couple of times, and stick with it even when you feel like it’s not working. persistence will pay off.

A couple of rules though…
- A choice between an action and a punishment is not a fair choice (i.e. “do you want to brush your teeth now or do you want to lose your gameboy” is not a choice and will breed resentment). Try something like “do you want to brush your teeth before you put on your pajamas, or after?”
-Both choices need to be agreeable to you (don’t give an option you don’t want or are unwilling to follow through with)
- If your child comes up with a third option that is agreeable to you, go for it (you’re helping your child gain appropriate power)
- Make choices, not general questions/statements – “what do you want to wear?” is not a choice for young kids – it can be overwhelming, and it’s not fair if they pick out the pink tu-tu and you say no. Give options between clothes, drawers, shelves, etc.
- If your child says no to the choices, it’s okay to restate the choices and be firm with your offering – you don’t need to get mad or angy, but in a calm voice say “Here are the choices. You can wear the red shirt or the blue shirt, which do you want to wear?”

I know choices aren’t the answer to everything, but in the scheme of long-term parenting, choices will help your child feel like you value their opinion and what they want, as long as you honor their choice.

Ask yourself: Is this something I want to power struggle over?
            Is it worth it?
            What is the worst thing that’s going to happen if my child doesn’t do ‘it’?
            What am I really concerned about here? (i.e. am I worried about my own
            embarrassment that my child is wearing a tiara to school or am I really   
            worried that my grandmother’s prized tiara will get lost at school?)
            Am I feeling disempowered in other areas of my life and trying to force
            power on my child?

Side stepping a power struggle – meaning not engaging in a power struggle – can enable your child to choose to do something because they want to, not because you’re making them. It can also allow your child to experience natural consequences from their own choices and to learn for themselves. This can help shift their focus from external (mom/dad makes me) to internal (I need to/want to).
i.e. “I want to brush my teeth because my mouth
      ”I need to wear a jacket because I got cold yesterday.”
      ”I need to eat breakfast because I got hungry at school last time I didn’t.”

For more on power struggles, see part 3 about choices.

Children (and adults!) need appropriate ways to feel powerful and to demonstrate power. If you can create ways for a child to gain appropriate power, they will less likely to force power (and engage in power struggles). You can’t force a child to eat, sleep, potty, do homework, etc., and these are the areas where a child will force power if they are not given the opportunity for appropriate power.

If a child feels disempowered at school, they may feel the need to demonstrate more power at home. Help them find power within the family. Older children may go after younger children to gain power. Help them redirect their energy into teaching or helping siblings.