In my therapy practice here in Seattle, I have pretty open and honest conversations about teens and what they are texting and they teach me some pretty interesting stuff. But, in therapy, we are talking about texting – I’m not usually seeing their actual texts, and this article got me wondering if parents are actually looking at the texts their kids are sending or receiving. Personally, I didn’t realize that the entire paragraph could be encoded. Sure, I use a short cut or two in my own texting, but teens are using pretty obscure texts especially in the realm of sex, drugs, and alcohol. Just the stuff they don’t want parents to find out about. Check out this link to see just how in the dark you might be.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/08/26/kids.drugs.text/index.html

If you do check your teen’s phone, I would also be suspicious of no texts at all. I tend to feel like, if they are deleting texts, they are doing it for a reason.

It is an easy read, and fascinating. I have been telling every parent I meet with to read at least the first chapter, titled: The Inverse Power of Praise. It looks at the impact of praising process (ie good effort) versus outcome (yay you got straight A’s). The short of it is that when children are praised on the outcome, they put out less effort and take less risks – they tend to not try something if there is a chance they could fail.

A common issue I hear from parents in my counseling practice in Seattle, is that their child will give up if something doesn’t come very easily to them. If an activity/lesson/task is hard, or perceived as hard, the child might resist even trying it, or at the first sign of trouble give up completely. Unfortunately this sets up a situation where the child “feels” like they are going to be unsuccessful, and then they are unsuccessful (because they didn’t persist long enough to experience any success), which confirms their first “feeling” that they weren’t going to be successful…and makes them less likely to try the next time they “feel” like their not going to be successful – and if we are praising them on their success, then here we have little opportunity to praise them.  When we can shift our attention to the effort – to their concentration, their planning, – we help take the focus off whether they can “do it” or not, and create success around the effort. I’m not saying it is a magic bullet that over night will turn your kiddo from reserved to a risk taker, but it is an excellent place to start.

Susan McLeod

The key is to focus your energy, reaction and relationship on what your child is doing right, and like a fire starved of oxygen, unwanted behaviors will simply extinguish themselves.

By Susan McLeod

Sometimes the best intentions can lead to the worst outcomes. That’s the case with the most common course of action parents and other caring adults usually take to help challenging children overcome unwanted behaviors.

The common course of action is attempting to “solve” the problem with focused attention, time, energy and resources. With easier-to-raise children, this might work to some degree. But with challenging children, the typical result is that the unwanted behavior grows into a bigger problem – it happens more often, or more intensely or both. The right intention backfired and produced the exact opposite what was expected and desired.

This unintended result is no mystery. There is an underlying universal law is at work wherein whatever we focus on grows. That might be a child who forgets her homework, or doesn’t wear his glasses, hits first, bites when excited, swears when mad… Problem behaviors are myriad, and our children seem to figure out the ones that irritate us the most. If lying is the No. 1 no-no in your family for generations, the challenging child in that lineage is sure to float some whoppers.

Focusing on the problem fails us and the child

So let’s take an unwanted behavior and follow how the scenario plays out under conventional parenting.

Let’s say a child wets the bed. The first course of action might include buying plastic liners for the bed and limiting liquids before bedtime. This causes tension – the child is thirsty, but he can’t have something to drink because he “might wet the bed.” There is no trust or expectation that the child will grow out of this. The child may feel resentment or like he is a target. The chore of changing the wet bedding might become another adversarial point.

Parents are often advised to wake the child multiple times during the night and get him to the bathroom to urinate in efforts to avoid an accident. Now the whole family’s sleep is disrupted.

Parents are also advised to track the patterns of wetting – when, what happened prior, and to adjust the waking times to precede them. They are advised to purchase a bedwetting alarm that is attached to the child’s underwear to detect moisture. When the alarm sounds, the parents are to wake the child to visit the bathroom. Then reattach the alarm. The parents are also advised to put the child in pull-up diapers.

In a short time, bedwetting has become a huge focus in the life of this family. And even if unintended, it has also become the focal point of who the child is: “I am a bedwetter.” The child may not be aware that he is anything other than his unwanted behavior.

Eventually the vast majority of children will outgrow the physical problem of bedwetting, but perhaps not so easily the effects on his self image or the relationship with his parents and peers.

Focusing on the child’s strengths changes everything to positivity & success

There is a shorter, more effective route to extinguish unwanted behaviors and boost the child’s self image at the same time. It is the Nurtured Heart Approach^(TM) created by Howard Glasser, and it’s a 180-degree turn about from the conventional model.

Glasser’s approach isn’t designed for problem behaviors, but for highly challenging children. If the Tucson-based therapist was still in private practice and you called for an appointment to cure bedwetting, you would likely hear him say, “You can’t engage me to fix that problem, but I guarantee you, if you engage me to teach you how to nurture a strong relationship with your child, the bedwetting will stop as a natural outflow of getting the energy of the relationship going in the right direction.”

Glasser’s approach requires that parents not talk about the unwanted behavior. Instead, the approach applies a whole-child intervention that includes recognizing, appreciating and supporting who the child is, which is much more than any unwanted behavior, be it bedwetting, tantrum-throwing, swearing, lying, substance abuse and so on.

Based on Glasser’s book, “Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach,” here is a 3-Step Formula to extinguish unwanted behaviors.

Step 1: Energize the whole child, and everything that’s going right.

No one is a one-dimensional person as defined by an unwanted behavior. So be clear on who your child is as a whole person. ’Energize’ means to apply intention, attention, and lots of emotion and reaction to seeing and saying everything that the child is doing right, everything that supports who your child is at his or her best and the qualities that you want to grow through your focused intention and energizing.

Glasser’s approach includes four distinct types of recognitions to energize success and create a strong relationship between parent and child and rewrite a child’s self image to one that is positive and based on his or her strengths, character and unique giftings. Parents focus on seeing their child anew from a perspective of, “I’m going to become aware of everything my child is doing right and what that says about him or her as a person with great character and values.”

The parent recognizes and appreciates every ounce of effort the child puts forth in keeping the rules, because there is always some level of effort involved; and when a challenging or intense personality is involved, it is usually a huge amount of effort being expended at any given moment to follow the rules, and this effort is rarely ever recognized or appreciated by parents or teachers.

Step 2: Recognize and appreciate every moment the unwanted behavior is not happening or that it is happening less.

Parents who have been engaged in conventional modes of problem-solving with a challenging child are usually exhausted and baffled that their efforts are backfiring and making matters worse, and because they are such caring, concerned parents, they try even harder to rectify the situation and to help their children find success. In this crisis mode, and with that level of heightened awareness, parents often feel that a child is “always“ and “only” doing the problem behavior or “never” keeping the rules or doing anything positive.

This is the same universal principle of focused attention at work. When we think (believe, set our intention) that our child is always doing this or never doing that, that is all we can see. Our thoughts, intentions and judgments about the child are programming our brains to be on high alert and look out for only the problem behaviors; and we really do not see anything that our child is doing right.

But the reality is that no child is breaking ALL the rules ALL of the time. That means there is a lot going on for a parent to recognize and appreciate about the child’s efforts.

The child who loses his temper and break things stops at some point. “I appreciate that you’re not breaking anything right now. I know you’re still mad, and that shows me that you are using a lot of self control right now to stop yourself.”

The child who screams and bites eventually has to take a breath. “Look at you, you’re not screaming right now or biting. I know that you are really upset, but look at you being so powerful. You are learning how to handle your strong feelings and not break the rules.” Typically, a challenging child who hears such language while she is on the in-take portion of breathing, perhaps seconds before intending to continue her screaming and biting, will instead have a jaw-dropping experience of feeling seen and appreciated and exhale an incredulous, “I am? Yes, I am!”

To continue the first example of the child who wets the bed. Perhaps one night he wakes while urinating and finishes up in the bathroom. That’s a milestone to be celebrated! “Wow! It’s happening already. You’re starting to feel when you need to go and you’re waking up. Way to grow!” Eventually, a nap or a night will come when the child does not wet the bed. You guessed it, it’s party time.

Step 3: De-energize the unwanted behavior.

‘De-energizing’ means that you pull the power plug on the unwanted behaviors by giving them little or no energy; it means that the parent gives no relationship to the child at the time the unwanted behavior appears. It’s like starving a fire of oxygen, it simply cannot grow and extinguishes itself.

Relationship takes the form of attention, interaction and reaction, so the parent does none of that when the unwanted behavior appears. If the behavior is a broken rule, for example, swearing, the parent says a simple, “Reset,” and moves immediately to back to Step No. 1 by saying as soon as the child stops swearing, “I appreciate that you’re not swearing right now.”

The parent of the child who wets the bed simply does not discuss it, but moves quickly to Step No. 1. Perhaps with a transition of, “I know you’re disappointed, and what I see is that you’re handling that strong feeling really well without breaking any rules. Change the bed and I’ll see you at the breakfast table in 15 minutes.”

Important aspects of de-energizing negativity are that parents do not lecture or provide pep talks at a child’s point of failure. Doing so is the equivalent of telling the child on one hand that it’s not OK to do the unwanted behavior, but with the other hand, you are handing the child $100 bills worth of relationship. In other words, the child is getting your undivided attention, strong emotions and intense eyeball-to-eyeball interaction with you over having a problem. With Glasser’s approach, parenting no longer give a child the prize of their relationship for having problems or breaking rules.

Consider a child who is sad that a parent is often out of town for work. Suddenly the child realizes that all she has to do is act out in school, and bingo, the father’s travel is cut short and he is picking her up from school and talking for hours about how she must straighten up in school because getting a good education is so important to a good life. He might rearrange his whole life to more closely oversee her so that she succeeds in school, only to disappear again when she does get back on track. Smarter is the parent who provides an intense level of connection, emotion and relationship in a proactive and preventive manner when the child is behaving well.

De-energizing negativity is not about withholding relationship as a punishment. In fact, the point is that punishment itself backfires and is not necessary to guide a child to live out his or her greatness. That’s why the disengagement to de-energize negativity lasts only as long as the misbehavior – perhaps only seconds – just long enough for the parent to find a new moment of success to re-engage the child.

Master the principles and techniques in these three steps and you will be able to extinguish unwanted behaviors in your child, and conversely, ignite desired behaviors and good character.

More than that, you will have a strong relationship with your child based on something far more exciting and long-term than a challenging behavior. You will be connecting heart-to-heart with who your amazing son or daughter is at their core being.

© 2010 EnergyParenting.com REPRINT THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR OWN NEWSLETTER OR WEBSITE with permission: Publish the article in its entirety with the following attribution: Susan McLeod is the publisher of www.EnergyParenting.com, the online learning center for the Nurtured Heart Approach, where you can sign up their enewsletter and receive a free eBook, “The Top 2 Biggest Parenting Mistakes,” that explains why normal parenting, teaching and therapy techniques backfire with challenging children.

This movie is awesome. Truly a great reminder that everyone needs to hear that others care about them and that we each make a difference….and, you never know the impact you might have on another’s life – even when you think it is just a small gesture.

This article posted at CNN.com covers a study looking at internet addiction in teens. They note “it’s more likely to happen if kids are depressed, hostile, or have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or social phobia,” which definitely makes sense. Video games and the internet appeal to the senses of someone with ADHD, and also provide simulation and an outlet, or a sense of connection, for teens with depression or social issues.

I am pretty concerned with the amount of kids and teens I am seeing in my Seattle counseling and therapy practice that could be considered addicted or at least extremely over-focused on video games or the internet. Although the study looked at teenagers, I also see many kids between the ages of 9-12 (ie pre-teen) who also really struggle with internet/video game addiction as well.

Many kids seem to be fine with “screen time”, computer use, and video games – but it can be a slippery slope with some kids – get a DS or PSP for a birthday and often parents think it is great for a bit – it keeps kids occupied, you know where they are, even used as a tool for motivation (ie – get a new game when you clean up your room, get A’s, etc). But frequently I’ve seen kiddos who end up only wanting and being on the DS or computer, they stop playing or finding other things to do, and if they can’t be on the game then they sit and think about being on the game..waiting until they can play. I’ve seen situations where it seems that the device becomes the only motivator, where a kiddo won’t do anything without the “reward” of game time afterwards. I’ve even seen kids who literally seem to go through withdrawal when the game/device/time is taken away – being irritable, aggressive, have trouble sleeping, even displaying physical pain, body aches, etc.

Even more challenging, as the article notes, can be the treatment. We are surrounded by the internet – kids are even required to use it for school work and projects – so it is not the type of addiction where we can just remove the “problem” (ie internet) all together and call it good. Video game devices might be a bit easier to take away all together, but often I see parents resorting back to using it as a motivator or reward…and with so many video games available on the computer…and kids needing a computer/internet for school…we have a challenge on our hands.

I think its extremely important for parents to monitor and limit game and screen time starting at a young age. Kiddos addicted to screen time may literally need to go cold-turkey and detox by not having access for a significant period of time, but ultimately they need to be taught to use the computer or game responsibly. Also, equally important is addressing underlying factors related to video and internet addiction – depression, ADHD, low self esteem, social phobias, anxiety – all make video games more appealing than the real world and must be addressed and treated for progress to be made.

I also have concerns about kids with a tendency towards video game or internet addiction as children and what might happen in the future if left untreated or to “run its course”. I think there is a concern that these kids are learning to medicate and self-regulate with a external stimulus like video games – and could this lead to drug or alcohol addiction in their adulthood in a similar attempt to self medicate. We have to help them while they are young – and usually it is only the adults in their life that can see that video games might be a problem. These kids aren’t able to regulate the video games themselves and parents have got to be aware and involved.

A study published in the journal Child Development studied 2500 toddlers and found spanking may have “detrimental effects” on mental development and behavior. The study found that children who were spanked as 1 year olds were more aggressive as 2 year olds, and by age 3, did not perform as well as non spanked children on a test measuring thinking skills.

But the hurriedness of school can also bring back a routine and schedule that grounds many families and can help children feel more secure in knowing what they are doing when, and what’s around the corner. (note: parents – you have to inform your child of what is coming up, what the schedule is, what is around the corner – don’t assume they know from just overhearing you talk). It can also be a time for kids to try on a new way of being, make new friends, get in a different groove. If you see them branching out and doing something new, give them some kudos – it can be scary. Ask them what kind of support they need in this new school year. Kids who had a class full of friends last year might feel lonely or left out in a new class of kids they don’t know. Teens may have changed quite a bit over the summer – taller, more lankly, or things that can suck like acne – and might need a bit more support and confidence boosting at home. of course with teens you have to be a bit sly in how you complement them – but they’ll hear it regardless, as long as you are genuine.

okay, bye for now.

Some parents dread the return of school as the return of school problems – teachers notes and calls, visits to the principle’s office, etc. Before school starts this year, talk about some of the struggles that happened last year and what you’d like to see happen this year. Problem solve with your child about how things can go more smoothly this year. I’m not saying it’s a magic wand, but I am saying that you don’t have to believe that what happened last year will continue this year. The right combination between child and teacher can make all the difference; as well as a little growth, maturity, and development can all go a long way. Likewise, if things don’t seem to be starting out on a good foot it might be a good time to get some outside help from a therapist, tutor, or parent educator, depending on the struggle.

Time: August 22, 2009 from 9:30am to 12:30pm
Location: Crossroads Community Center
Organized By: Margit Crane, The Gifted-Teen Coach, LLC

This article talks about how the generation of dad’s today are more involved with their kids in everything from diapers to car pool, and more playful.

Yay Dads!!