I’ve seen it work extremely well for teens dealing with grief and loss, and for those struggling with feeling like they can’t talk to their parents or another key figure in their life. I am really enjoying this new element to my work and am excited to share it with current and new clients.

Susan McLeod

The key is to focus your energy, reaction and relationship on what your child is doing right, and like a fire starved of oxygen, unwanted behaviors will simply extinguish themselves.

By Susan McLeod

Sometimes the best intentions can lead to the worst outcomes. That’s the case with the most common course of action parents and other caring adults usually take to help challenging children overcome unwanted behaviors.

The common course of action is attempting to “solve” the problem with focused attention, time, energy and resources. With easier-to-raise children, this might work to some degree. But with challenging children, the typical result is that the unwanted behavior grows into a bigger problem – it happens more often, or more intensely or both. The right intention backfired and produced the exact opposite what was expected and desired.

This unintended result is no mystery. There is an underlying universal law is at work wherein whatever we focus on grows. That might be a child who forgets her homework, or doesn’t wear his glasses, hits first, bites when excited, swears when mad… Problem behaviors are myriad, and our children seem to figure out the ones that irritate us the most. If lying is the No. 1 no-no in your family for generations, the challenging child in that lineage is sure to float some whoppers.

Focusing on the problem fails us and the child

So let’s take an unwanted behavior and follow how the scenario plays out under conventional parenting.

Let’s say a child wets the bed. The first course of action might include buying plastic liners for the bed and limiting liquids before bedtime. This causes tension – the child is thirsty, but he can’t have something to drink because he “might wet the bed.” There is no trust or expectation that the child will grow out of this. The child may feel resentment or like he is a target. The chore of changing the wet bedding might become another adversarial point.

Parents are often advised to wake the child multiple times during the night and get him to the bathroom to urinate in efforts to avoid an accident. Now the whole family’s sleep is disrupted.

Parents are also advised to track the patterns of wetting – when, what happened prior, and to adjust the waking times to precede them. They are advised to purchase a bedwetting alarm that is attached to the child’s underwear to detect moisture. When the alarm sounds, the parents are to wake the child to visit the bathroom. Then reattach the alarm. The parents are also advised to put the child in pull-up diapers.

In a short time, bedwetting has become a huge focus in the life of this family. And even if unintended, it has also become the focal point of who the child is: “I am a bedwetter.” The child may not be aware that he is anything other than his unwanted behavior.

Eventually the vast majority of children will outgrow the physical problem of bedwetting, but perhaps not so easily the effects on his self image or the relationship with his parents and peers.

Focusing on the child’s strengths changes everything to positivity & success

There is a shorter, more effective route to extinguish unwanted behaviors and boost the child’s self image at the same time. It is the Nurtured Heart Approach^(TM) created by Howard Glasser, and it’s a 180-degree turn about from the conventional model.

Glasser’s approach isn’t designed for problem behaviors, but for highly challenging children. If the Tucson-based therapist was still in private practice and you called for an appointment to cure bedwetting, you would likely hear him say, “You can’t engage me to fix that problem, but I guarantee you, if you engage me to teach you how to nurture a strong relationship with your child, the bedwetting will stop as a natural outflow of getting the energy of the relationship going in the right direction.”

Glasser’s approach requires that parents not talk about the unwanted behavior. Instead, the approach applies a whole-child intervention that includes recognizing, appreciating and supporting who the child is, which is much more than any unwanted behavior, be it bedwetting, tantrum-throwing, swearing, lying, substance abuse and so on.

Based on Glasser’s book, “Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach,” here is a 3-Step Formula to extinguish unwanted behaviors.

Step 1: Energize the whole child, and everything that’s going right.

No one is a one-dimensional person as defined by an unwanted behavior. So be clear on who your child is as a whole person. ’Energize’ means to apply intention, attention, and lots of emotion and reaction to seeing and saying everything that the child is doing right, everything that supports who your child is at his or her best and the qualities that you want to grow through your focused intention and energizing.

Glasser’s approach includes four distinct types of recognitions to energize success and create a strong relationship between parent and child and rewrite a child’s self image to one that is positive and based on his or her strengths, character and unique giftings. Parents focus on seeing their child anew from a perspective of, “I’m going to become aware of everything my child is doing right and what that says about him or her as a person with great character and values.”

The parent recognizes and appreciates every ounce of effort the child puts forth in keeping the rules, because there is always some level of effort involved; and when a challenging or intense personality is involved, it is usually a huge amount of effort being expended at any given moment to follow the rules, and this effort is rarely ever recognized or appreciated by parents or teachers.

Step 2: Recognize and appreciate every moment the unwanted behavior is not happening or that it is happening less.

Parents who have been engaged in conventional modes of problem-solving with a challenging child are usually exhausted and baffled that their efforts are backfiring and making matters worse, and because they are such caring, concerned parents, they try even harder to rectify the situation and to help their children find success. In this crisis mode, and with that level of heightened awareness, parents often feel that a child is “always“ and “only” doing the problem behavior or “never” keeping the rules or doing anything positive.

This is the same universal principle of focused attention at work. When we think (believe, set our intention) that our child is always doing this or never doing that, that is all we can see. Our thoughts, intentions and judgments about the child are programming our brains to be on high alert and look out for only the problem behaviors; and we really do not see anything that our child is doing right.

But the reality is that no child is breaking ALL the rules ALL of the time. That means there is a lot going on for a parent to recognize and appreciate about the child’s efforts.

The child who loses his temper and break things stops at some point. “I appreciate that you’re not breaking anything right now. I know you’re still mad, and that shows me that you are using a lot of self control right now to stop yourself.”

The child who screams and bites eventually has to take a breath. “Look at you, you’re not screaming right now or biting. I know that you are really upset, but look at you being so powerful. You are learning how to handle your strong feelings and not break the rules.” Typically, a challenging child who hears such language while she is on the in-take portion of breathing, perhaps seconds before intending to continue her screaming and biting, will instead have a jaw-dropping experience of feeling seen and appreciated and exhale an incredulous, “I am? Yes, I am!”

To continue the first example of the child who wets the bed. Perhaps one night he wakes while urinating and finishes up in the bathroom. That’s a milestone to be celebrated! “Wow! It’s happening already. You’re starting to feel when you need to go and you’re waking up. Way to grow!” Eventually, a nap or a night will come when the child does not wet the bed. You guessed it, it’s party time.

Step 3: De-energize the unwanted behavior.

‘De-energizing’ means that you pull the power plug on the unwanted behaviors by giving them little or no energy; it means that the parent gives no relationship to the child at the time the unwanted behavior appears. It’s like starving a fire of oxygen, it simply cannot grow and extinguishes itself.

Relationship takes the form of attention, interaction and reaction, so the parent does none of that when the unwanted behavior appears. If the behavior is a broken rule, for example, swearing, the parent says a simple, “Reset,” and moves immediately to back to Step No. 1 by saying as soon as the child stops swearing, “I appreciate that you’re not swearing right now.”

The parent of the child who wets the bed simply does not discuss it, but moves quickly to Step No. 1. Perhaps with a transition of, “I know you’re disappointed, and what I see is that you’re handling that strong feeling really well without breaking any rules. Change the bed and I’ll see you at the breakfast table in 15 minutes.”

Important aspects of de-energizing negativity are that parents do not lecture or provide pep talks at a child’s point of failure. Doing so is the equivalent of telling the child on one hand that it’s not OK to do the unwanted behavior, but with the other hand, you are handing the child $100 bills worth of relationship. In other words, the child is getting your undivided attention, strong emotions and intense eyeball-to-eyeball interaction with you over having a problem. With Glasser’s approach, parenting no longer give a child the prize of their relationship for having problems or breaking rules.

Consider a child who is sad that a parent is often out of town for work. Suddenly the child realizes that all she has to do is act out in school, and bingo, the father’s travel is cut short and he is picking her up from school and talking for hours about how she must straighten up in school because getting a good education is so important to a good life. He might rearrange his whole life to more closely oversee her so that she succeeds in school, only to disappear again when she does get back on track. Smarter is the parent who provides an intense level of connection, emotion and relationship in a proactive and preventive manner when the child is behaving well.

De-energizing negativity is not about withholding relationship as a punishment. In fact, the point is that punishment itself backfires and is not necessary to guide a child to live out his or her greatness. That’s why the disengagement to de-energize negativity lasts only as long as the misbehavior – perhaps only seconds – just long enough for the parent to find a new moment of success to re-engage the child.

Master the principles and techniques in these three steps and you will be able to extinguish unwanted behaviors in your child, and conversely, ignite desired behaviors and good character.

More than that, you will have a strong relationship with your child based on something far more exciting and long-term than a challenging behavior. You will be connecting heart-to-heart with who your amazing son or daughter is at their core being.

© 2010 EnergyParenting.com REPRINT THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR OWN NEWSLETTER OR WEBSITE with permission: Publish the article in its entirety with the following attribution: Susan McLeod is the publisher of www.EnergyParenting.com, the online learning center for the Nurtured Heart Approach, where you can sign up their enewsletter and receive a free eBook, “The Top 2 Biggest Parenting Mistakes,” that explains why normal parenting, teaching and therapy techniques backfire with challenging children.

This new bigger space will be even more kid friendly for child therapy. I hope it will make it a bit easier for my clients from Bellevue and the east side with quick access to the 520 Bridge. It’s also just another 10 minute drive south for current clients. With Fremont, U Village and Greenlake near by, I know this will be a great move. There will still be free, easy residential parking and the waiting room has a nice big window for the parents who sit there during session.

The move will, at the latest, be in March – but perhaps more like mid-February.

More details to follow.

This movie is awesome. Truly a great reminder that everyone needs to hear that others care about them and that we each make a difference….and, you never know the impact you might have on another’s life – even when you think it is just a small gesture.

This article posted at CNN.com covers a study looking at internet addiction in teens. They note “it’s more likely to happen if kids are depressed, hostile, or have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or social phobia,” which definitely makes sense. Video games and the internet appeal to the senses of someone with ADHD, and also provide simulation and an outlet, or a sense of connection, for teens with depression or social issues.

I am pretty concerned with the amount of kids and teens I am seeing in my Seattle counseling and therapy practice that could be considered addicted or at least extremely over-focused on video games or the internet. Although the study looked at teenagers, I also see many kids between the ages of 9-12 (ie pre-teen) who also really struggle with internet/video game addiction as well.

Many kids seem to be fine with “screen time”, computer use, and video games – but it can be a slippery slope with some kids – get a DS or PSP for a birthday and often parents think it is great for a bit – it keeps kids occupied, you know where they are, even used as a tool for motivation (ie – get a new game when you clean up your room, get A’s, etc). But frequently I’ve seen kiddos who end up only wanting and being on the DS or computer, they stop playing or finding other things to do, and if they can’t be on the game then they sit and think about being on the game..waiting until they can play. I’ve seen situations where it seems that the device becomes the only motivator, where a kiddo won’t do anything without the “reward” of game time afterwards. I’ve even seen kids who literally seem to go through withdrawal when the game/device/time is taken away – being irritable, aggressive, have trouble sleeping, even displaying physical pain, body aches, etc.

Even more challenging, as the article notes, can be the treatment. We are surrounded by the internet – kids are even required to use it for school work and projects – so it is not the type of addiction where we can just remove the “problem” (ie internet) all together and call it good. Video game devices might be a bit easier to take away all together, but often I see parents resorting back to using it as a motivator or reward…and with so many video games available on the computer…and kids needing a computer/internet for school…we have a challenge on our hands.

I think its extremely important for parents to monitor and limit game and screen time starting at a young age. Kiddos addicted to screen time may literally need to go cold-turkey and detox by not having access for a significant period of time, but ultimately they need to be taught to use the computer or game responsibly. Also, equally important is addressing underlying factors related to video and internet addiction – depression, ADHD, low self esteem, social phobias, anxiety – all make video games more appealing than the real world and must be addressed and treated for progress to be made.

I also have concerns about kids with a tendency towards video game or internet addiction as children and what might happen in the future if left untreated or to “run its course”. I think there is a concern that these kids are learning to medicate and self-regulate with a external stimulus like video games – and could this lead to drug or alcohol addiction in their adulthood in a similar attempt to self medicate. We have to help them while they are young – and usually it is only the adults in their life that can see that video games might be a problem. These kids aren’t able to regulate the video games themselves and parents have got to be aware and involved.

So why bother with counseling, right? Don’t rock the boat, don’t poke the bear, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it – tempting and all viable options when we are just appreciating a summer of less drama, meltdowns, or fights. But, summer can be the perfect time for a kiddo to address underlying issues without the day to day drama. It’s also a great time for parents and families to practice ways of communicating and dealing with each other when there is less pressure or emphasis on things that are going wrong.

Everyone knows I’m big on noticing and articulating the things that your kids are doing right. Well, what better time to practice than when lots of things are going well…really well? You can get in lots of practice, try things different ways, and strengthen your relationship with your child so you’ve got a great base for the start of the school year..when things can get tricky again with homework, curfew, etc.

I also find the summer a great time to help kids focus on themselves and work on self esteem. The day to day grind of school for many kids is filled with criticism, judgment, comparisons, and self-loathing; add some bulling and feelings of “I should be this…” and “I’m not good enough because of that…” and it can seriously wear down self-esteem, feelings of self worth and competence and success, and then, by the way, can affect behavior and deteriorate relationships (sound familiar?). So, again, taking the time during the summer when the negative mental tape doesn’t get played everyday to help build how your child feels about himself/herself and the positive thoughts they say to themselves can go a long way into improving things for next school year.

And, just to finish up – families are busy busy busy during the school year. In between school/work, sports practices and piano lessons, weekly therapy sessions for some can be a strain. But in the summer, it just seems like there is more time. Just make sure you aren’t tempted to miss your session to play hookie at the beach. You might even want to consider scheduling counseling sessions in the morning so that you can have the rest of the day to do as you (or your teen) will.

seattle counseling

This article goes along with some of my other recent posts about teens and depression. This one from msn.com sites a report released by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration which found that only 34% of  depressed teens get treatment. Seems insurance is a major factor, as only 17% of teens without insurance coverage were treated for their depression.

If your teen is depressed (or you are a depressed teen) and you don’t have insurance coverage – check in to local therapists who take a sliding scale, community mental health centers, or go see the school counselor. Seattle has the crisisclinic.org which is a great resource for services. You may also look for a teen depression group, which can often had a lower cost that individual therapy. If your teen in engaging in self harm (cutting), or if you see signs like they are giving their things away, especially important items, you need to seek help. it can’t wait.

But do you know what depression looks like in a child or adolescent?

In both children and adolescents, depression more often can present as an irritable or cranky mood. They may get frustrated much more easily than in the past, or become less flexible. They may have anger outbursts and/or persistent anger/irritability. They may not want to do things with friends and would rather be alone. They may have trouble sleeping. Teens may want to sleep a lot – though be careful, teens sleep a lot during this time of life anyways and their natural rhythm wants to keep them up later at night – so excessive sleeping can be quite normal – but in combination with other symptoms, it can also indicate depression.

It’s important to keep a look out for depression and to get your teen evaluated if you see any signs or even just have a hunch. Suicide risk greatly increases with depression (and anxiety disorders) and given that nearly 15% of teenagers have seriously considered attempting suicide – it is not something to take lightly. If you’re concerned about your child, get them to a counselor or therapist that specializes in your child’s age range – children and/or teens. Most child therapist see teens, but many adult therapists do not work with teens – it’s very different work. I see a great deal of teens in my therapy practice in Seattle (Northgate). It’s also appropriate to set up an appointment with your child’s doctor to make sure there is not a medical or nutritional issue going on – being anemic, for instance, can cause fatigue and make a teen extremely tired and have low energy, which might look a bit like depression.

teen depression

The summary from the US Preventative Service Task Force (USPSTF) “recommends screening of adolescents (12-18 years of age) for major depressive disorder (MDD) when systems are in place to ensure accurate diagnosis, psychotherapy (cognitive-behavioral or interpersonal), and follow-up.” (As stated on the website for the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality.)

I think it is concerning that under their clinical summary, the USPSTF recommendation first brings up SSRI’s (anti-depressant) pharmaceutical medication, then mentions “various modes of psychotherapy” as being efficacious. I don’t feel medication should typically be the first go-to for depression, especially in adolescents (but there are situations where medication is the best course of action for that time). One, it’s fairly common knowlege that SSRI’s can increase the risk of suicide in some teens; and two, anti-depressant medication alone is not helping to address the underlying issues around the depression.

Check out this article from the Seattle Times reviewing a study done on the long term use of ADHD medication. The study shows that over the long terms (over 3 years) that children given ADHD medication were not any better than children not given medication. And that the kiddos on medication for 36 months were an inch shorter and 6 lbs lighter than children not on medication.

James Swanson, a co-author of the study said, “If you want something for tomorrow, medication is the best, but if you want something three years from now, it does not matter,” he said. “If you take medication long-term beyond three years, I don’t think there is any evidence that medication is better than no medication.”

I am not a huge fan of medications for children, but it some cases, it definitely is necessary. If a child can’t focus in school or control their impulsivity, and the grades and self-esteem is significantly suffering as a result, then medication might be the right choice to help get things back on track. But I do think the adults need to see that medication is not necessarily a long term solution for many kids, and get a plan in place to move off of it. I’ve seen may kids who were put on ADHD/ADD medication years ago, and haven’t been reevaluated to see if it is still nece