Seattle Child Therapy – Thriving Child Blog

Why did you have to get a divorce?

Divorce is never a fun time for anyone, least of all your kids. Even the most amicable separation between parents can still bring up a range of emotions for children from anxiety, sadness, anger, frustration, and self depreciation. And, aside from expressing (or not expressing) their own feeling and emotions about the situation, kids will often also reflect other members of the family – expressing dad’s anger, etc.

The struggle is that kids are ego centric – meaning they think everything has to do with them – so most kids will feel that 1) they must have done something to contribute to the fighting/separation/divorce 2) they could have done something to prevent it.

I see these points manifest in many ways – I see kids stressing themselves out trying to keep their room clean, pick up their things, doing what parents what – so that if they are “good enough” their parents won’t get a divorce. I also see kids who are angry and acting out – they are pissed  at the arguing of their parents, the divorce, whatever (all with good reason) – but then feel great guilt and shame when the divorce is final – feeling again, like they contributed to it.

I also see where the child starts to be the mediator between the parents (i.e. translating for one parent), or getting in between parents, especially when they are arguing to break up the tension. These kids take a lot of responsibility for the divorce.

The best things parents can do is provide a space for kids to talk about their feelings – either in front of parents, non-judged, or with a counselor or friend of whoever. They need to get it out!

Parents also need to do their best to not put the child in the middle – don’t talk bad about the parent, or make negative comments about the other parent. A friend of mine had parents go through a divorce when he was a child. During the divorce his mom would frequently say “I hate your father.” What he heard was “you hate my dad; I am part of my dad; you must hate me too.” Kids will take things in a way you never intended – again, it’s the ego centric part of their development – totally normal, but can be difficult when going thought the process of parents divorcing, so be cautious about what you say.

A great resource is the book “Why did you have to get a divorce and when can I get a hamster?: A guide to parenting through divorce” by Anthony Wolf, PhD. It’s a fantastic guide for parents on how to handle situations with the other parent, how to answer questions of the child, and when to seek more help. It’s a super easy read and covers a wide range of topics. It can help your family through the process by giving more of the basic “what to do’s.”

BTW, it’s also a great idea for parents to get counseling. Give yourself some space to express yourself as well – to say the things you want to say about your ex – in a healthy space. You’ve gotta take care of yourself to be able to be a support for your child.