Seattle Child Therapy – Thriving Child Blog

Power Struggles!!! (part 3) All about choices

Giving choices is a powerful way to move around power struggles, while helping your child feel like they have a say in the matter. Give choices between two positive things – jeans or shorts, red or blue, carrots or broccoli, homework now or homework after dinner.

A couple of rules though…
- A choice between an action and a punishment is not a fair choice (i.e. “do you want to brush your teeth now or do you want to lose your gameboy” is not a choice and will breed resentment). Try something like “do you want to brush your teeth before you put on your pajamas, or after?”
-Both choices need to be agreeable to you (don’t give an option you don’t want or are unwilling to follow through with)
- If your child comes up with a third option that is agreeable to you, go for it (you’re helping your child gain appropriate power)
- Make choices, not general questions/statements – “what do you want to wear?” is not a choice for young kids – it can be overwhelming, and it’s not fair if they pick out the pink tu-tu and you say no. Give options between clothes, drawers, shelves, etc.
- If your child says no to the choices, it’s okay to restate the choices and be firm with your offering – you don’t need to get mad or angy, but in a calm voice say “Here are the choices. You can wear the red shirt or the blue shirt, which do you want to wear?”

I know choices aren’t the answer to everything, but in the scheme of long-term parenting, choices will help your child feel like you value their opinion and what they want, as long as you honor their choice.